Why is it that when men come within 50 feet of their mothers they regress to age seven?
I consider myself a successful male with a strong personality, yet when I speak with my mother I always feel like she has some sort of mental power over me. Conversations are usually light and never touch on any serious subject. In truth, I want to rehash old wounds that she caused. If only I could say:
Why did you not love me mom?
Why did you favor my other siblings?
Why was I invisible to you?
Why, now, do you sanitize the past and not see the mistakes you made?
Why did you leave me alone?
One would think that this anger could be verbalized. It cannot, and it almost feels like the closer we get to these subjects the more we feel like we are about to shut down.
I wonder how much of this gets carried into one's marriage. When does your wife become your mother? When do you start personifying the emotions for your mother at your wife? Is it your wife that ends getting the emotional baggage?
The answer is, of course, yes. Yes, sometimes wives pay for the misdeeds of their husband's mother. Sometimes the irrational actions of their husbands have a rational meaning, but it is one that husbands keep locked away in their man cave (read below for an explanation of the man cave).
Maybe more marriages would be saved if husbands could confront their mothers with the questions that they have always wanted to ask. Maybe more marriages would be saved if we could say "Mom, you made me feel _______ when I was younger." Maybe more marriages would be saved if we could come to understand why our mothers acted the way they did. Maybe more marriages would be saved if we were courageous.
Be courageous and tell us what you think.....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
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Wow--this is interesting. As a mother of 2 daughters in their 20's, I am saddened that you feel this way. I know that many people hold hurtful feelings and thoughts inside from their experiences when younger. My mother recently passed away, and a month before she died, we had a very serious conversation about many things that were never spoken about.
ReplyDeleteI say to you--not "Mom you made me feel ___", but "Mom, when you did ___, or did not do ___, I FELT..." Again your mom did not MAKE you feel a certain way, but still you had feelings that weren't positive. Go ahead and start a conversation---it may be hurtful to both of you, but don't leave it unsaid. Your mom probably was following patterns in her life that came from her parents. The mold can be broken, and repaired, it's not too late to start now. You might be surprised.