Let’s talk about happiness.
My husband tells me that he “just wants to be happy,” and being married to me doesn’t make him happy any more. He makes me feel personally responsible for his happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this since he moved out six months ago. Was that my responsibility?
Obviously, we were once both happy together or we never would have gotten married in the first place. Slowly, cunningly, and cleverly, “Responsibility” took precedence over “Relationship.” We stripped ourselves away to a point that was no longer acceptable to him.
I believe his discontent built so slowly that I was unable to recognize that the little shifts in his habits and choices were adding up to something big. Over years, his discontent culminated into a huge state of internal unrest that could no longer be contained. Like a broken dam, his emotions finally burst and came raging out into a fury of blame and anger, which was (and continues to be) directed at me.
I contend it would have been a whole lot easier if he had just talked to me long before the dam burst, and he contends that I should have known he was unhappy. There’s no doubt that if we had talked, it would have been uncomfortable and painful, but nothing like what we’re both going through now.
So who’s responsible here? I think that when you blame someone else for your happiness, you are abdicating personal responsibility. It’s convenient and easy, but irresponsible. I say talk to your spouse or take up a hobby. Define personal happiness from within and then share it with your partner. You’ll both be rewarded.
What do you think? Let us know your thoughts.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
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Absolutely agree.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, the contention that you "should have known" about his unhappiness. Women often get accused of taking this stance when they get angry for their spouse's lack of help around the house: You should have known I need you to help with the dishes/groceries/laundry/kids.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting what each of us expects others to understand about us without our saying it out loud. If husbands can't make the connection that wives need help when the house is in chaos, how can wives be expected to read their husbands minds about their happiness?
I think ones happiness is their own responsibility. Your partners actions or words can make you unhappy, but it is up to you to decide how to respond and act accordingly. I've told my husband since we met that it is not his job to make me happy. That's up to me. He does, however, enhance my happiness and make my life better. How much pressure it would be to rely on someone else or rather, make them responsible for your happiness. That's a burden no one should attempt to tackle.
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