Why is it that when men come within 50 feet of their mothers they regress to age seven?
I consider myself a successful male with a strong personality, yet when I speak with my mother I always feel like she has some sort of mental power over me. Conversations are usually light and never touch on any serious subject. In truth, I want to rehash old wounds that she caused. If only I could say:
Why did you not love me mom?
Why did you favor my other siblings?
Why was I invisible to you?
Why, now, do you sanitize the past and not see the mistakes you made?
Why did you leave me alone?
One would think that this anger could be verbalized. It cannot, and it almost feels like the closer we get to these subjects the more we feel like we are about to shut down.
I wonder how much of this gets carried into one's marriage. When does your wife become your mother? When do you start personifying the emotions for your mother at your wife? Is it your wife that ends getting the emotional baggage?
The answer is, of course, yes. Yes, sometimes wives pay for the misdeeds of their husband's mother. Sometimes the irrational actions of their husbands have a rational meaning, but it is one that husbands keep locked away in their man cave (read below for an explanation of the man cave).
Maybe more marriages would be saved if husbands could confront their mothers with the questions that they have always wanted to ask. Maybe more marriages would be saved if we could say "Mom, you made me feel _______ when I was younger." Maybe more marriages would be saved if we could come to understand why our mothers acted the way they did. Maybe more marriages would be saved if we were courageous.
Be courageous and tell us what you think.....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Her Side: The Elusive Pursuit of Happiness
Let’s talk about happiness.
My husband tells me that he “just wants to be happy,” and being married to me doesn’t make him happy any more. He makes me feel personally responsible for his happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this since he moved out six months ago. Was that my responsibility?
Obviously, we were once both happy together or we never would have gotten married in the first place. Slowly, cunningly, and cleverly, “Responsibility” took precedence over “Relationship.” We stripped ourselves away to a point that was no longer acceptable to him.
I believe his discontent built so slowly that I was unable to recognize that the little shifts in his habits and choices were adding up to something big. Over years, his discontent culminated into a huge state of internal unrest that could no longer be contained. Like a broken dam, his emotions finally burst and came raging out into a fury of blame and anger, which was (and continues to be) directed at me.
I contend it would have been a whole lot easier if he had just talked to me long before the dam burst, and he contends that I should have known he was unhappy. There’s no doubt that if we had talked, it would have been uncomfortable and painful, but nothing like what we’re both going through now.
So who’s responsible here? I think that when you blame someone else for your happiness, you are abdicating personal responsibility. It’s convenient and easy, but irresponsible. I say talk to your spouse or take up a hobby. Define personal happiness from within and then share it with your partner. You’ll both be rewarded.
What do you think? Let us know your thoughts.
My husband tells me that he “just wants to be happy,” and being married to me doesn’t make him happy any more. He makes me feel personally responsible for his happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this since he moved out six months ago. Was that my responsibility?
Obviously, we were once both happy together or we never would have gotten married in the first place. Slowly, cunningly, and cleverly, “Responsibility” took precedence over “Relationship.” We stripped ourselves away to a point that was no longer acceptable to him.
I believe his discontent built so slowly that I was unable to recognize that the little shifts in his habits and choices were adding up to something big. Over years, his discontent culminated into a huge state of internal unrest that could no longer be contained. Like a broken dam, his emotions finally burst and came raging out into a fury of blame and anger, which was (and continues to be) directed at me.
I contend it would have been a whole lot easier if he had just talked to me long before the dam burst, and he contends that I should have known he was unhappy. There’s no doubt that if we had talked, it would have been uncomfortable and painful, but nothing like what we’re both going through now.
So who’s responsible here? I think that when you blame someone else for your happiness, you are abdicating personal responsibility. It’s convenient and easy, but irresponsible. I say talk to your spouse or take up a hobby. Define personal happiness from within and then share it with your partner. You’ll both be rewarded.
What do you think? Let us know your thoughts.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Her Side: Words for Pain and Healing
When we are being hurt with words by the one whom we love the most, it feels like we have two choices: stoically retreat and accept the pain being dished out, or fight and hurt back. I have tried both, and neither is satisfying.
With one, you become the punching bag for your partner. Later, you feel like you assumed sole responsibility for a situation with dual accountability. With the other, you distribute the verbal blows to the one you love the most. That’s because you’re hurting so much, and you don’t want to be the only one in pain.
Once painful words are “out there,” what do you do? As a woman, I want to heal, nurture, and save. I want to smooth away the tension and “fix” the situation. I want to make my husband feel better, regardless of how I feel. Unfortunately, in attempting to make him feel better in uncomfortable situations over the course of our marriage, two things have happened.
One, is that I have unknowingly allowed him to avoid processing and working through his own feelings, and two, I have discounted my own. Over time, this dynamic has led to an unhealthy relationship.
I am slowly learning to deflect my husband’s emotions back to him, thanks to the help of a good therapist. My own emotions deserve my attention, and I am responsible for processing what is really going on inside of me, not for figuring out what is going on inside of him. This process has changed the dynamic between us. Maybe it will help us both grow.
Perhaps there is a third, healthier option for those tense moments between partners, one that doesn’t inflict pain and suffering. An option in which we can apply what we’ve learned from our past mistakes and make the future more fulfilling. “His Side” wonders if our future actions can affect past experiences. I think it’s the other way around.
What makes the future so full of promise is the time travel forward where we can apply the lessons we’ve learned from our mistakes in the past. The process of getting there may include discomfort and self-reflection, but I’m ultimately okay with that because I believe that that is how we can learn to find words that build each other up rather than tear each other down.
With one, you become the punching bag for your partner. Later, you feel like you assumed sole responsibility for a situation with dual accountability. With the other, you distribute the verbal blows to the one you love the most. That’s because you’re hurting so much, and you don’t want to be the only one in pain.
Once painful words are “out there,” what do you do? As a woman, I want to heal, nurture, and save. I want to smooth away the tension and “fix” the situation. I want to make my husband feel better, regardless of how I feel. Unfortunately, in attempting to make him feel better in uncomfortable situations over the course of our marriage, two things have happened.
One, is that I have unknowingly allowed him to avoid processing and working through his own feelings, and two, I have discounted my own. Over time, this dynamic has led to an unhealthy relationship.
I am slowly learning to deflect my husband’s emotions back to him, thanks to the help of a good therapist. My own emotions deserve my attention, and I am responsible for processing what is really going on inside of me, not for figuring out what is going on inside of him. This process has changed the dynamic between us. Maybe it will help us both grow.
Perhaps there is a third, healthier option for those tense moments between partners, one that doesn’t inflict pain and suffering. An option in which we can apply what we’ve learned from our past mistakes and make the future more fulfilling. “His Side” wonders if our future actions can affect past experiences. I think it’s the other way around.
What makes the future so full of promise is the time travel forward where we can apply the lessons we’ve learned from our mistakes in the past. The process of getting there may include discomfort and self-reflection, but I’m ultimately okay with that because I believe that that is how we can learn to find words that build each other up rather than tear each other down.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
His Side: One Word
Why is it that we let out that one word that we know we should not? What reaction do we expect when we know the word is better kept quiet and unspoken? Why is it that as the last syllable leaves your mouth you feel suddenly as if you are in a vacuum?
Some men sometimes are not adept at sharing their feelings, expressing themselves, and showing their true selves (this statement really sounds like an excuse as I re-read it). Sometimes we feel it is easier to say that one word, that we know will sting, rather then to try the other million words that will build. One word, an adjective that in any other conversation means "amazing," but when spoken by a man trying to express himself in a painful situation gets morphed into something negative.
If only time travel were available to us. If only we could go back and as the word was formulating in our mouth we could slap it away. How many other wrongs could we right by going back?
I have come to the conclusion that maybe we can time travel but not in the literal sense. We re-enact past mistakes, we come across similar situations, we are given a chance to change. But do we? Maybe the future and the past are one, and if we change ourselves in the future then the past also changes. Our future actions can affect past experiences. It can take something painful and make it a stepping stone to a beautiful future.
Maybe time travel is not so far fetched, maybe we experience it every day and we are just not aware of it. Maybe we can choose to use words that build rather then those that destroy.
Some men sometimes are not adept at sharing their feelings, expressing themselves, and showing their true selves (this statement really sounds like an excuse as I re-read it). Sometimes we feel it is easier to say that one word, that we know will sting, rather then to try the other million words that will build. One word, an adjective that in any other conversation means "amazing," but when spoken by a man trying to express himself in a painful situation gets morphed into something negative.
If only time travel were available to us. If only we could go back and as the word was formulating in our mouth we could slap it away. How many other wrongs could we right by going back?
I have come to the conclusion that maybe we can time travel but not in the literal sense. We re-enact past mistakes, we come across similar situations, we are given a chance to change. But do we? Maybe the future and the past are one, and if we change ourselves in the future then the past also changes. Our future actions can affect past experiences. It can take something painful and make it a stepping stone to a beautiful future.
Maybe time travel is not so far fetched, maybe we experience it every day and we are just not aware of it. Maybe we can choose to use words that build rather then those that destroy.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
His Side: The Man Cave -- aka The Matrix
We men are strange creatures. We are taught from a young age to be strong and unemotional, and we are told that we need to be the foundation for our families. We were raised by men who admired John Wayne and Charles Bronson, but when did you ever see them shed a tear? Deep inside, men are bursting with emotions. Where do these emotions go? Deep into the man cave.
We don't need the man cave early in a relationship. When life brings us together with someone who is perfect for us, everything is great...until little things change. Then those little things stir up our emotions, and we have to either face those emotions head on and grow our relationship, or, retreat full speed into our man cave for safety. Personally, the man cave has always been my preference.
Why do we men run to our man cave? Here's our biggest secret: the man cave is like the virtual world in the 1999 movie called The Matrix. It is a place where we always win arguments, where our spouses are like stepford wives, and where we manifest our insecurities. In this virtual world, we transpose our failures, fears, and frustrations onto those we love most, our spouses. We turn them into monsters rather than ourselves. We give them personalities that are nothing like the real person. We conjure up scenarios that fault them for our failures because we are to afraid to face them ourselves.
Yes, this all happens in a virtual world, but it happens as we gaze into our spouse's eyes. They think everything is okay, not knowing that we have conjured up this fake world and are experiencing pain and rejection in their "virtual" hands. When the question, "Honey are you ok?" comes, we respond, "Yeah, great." Never do we open that door and let our fears or past hurts out. Never do we say, "No, something is wrong. I feel..." and NEVER do we allow ourselves to feel.
The man cave is the place where we rule supreme, and there can be only one supreme ruler in the man cave. In reality, it's a haven for excuses; a place where men go to "camp" rather then to climb to the next level of a relationship, and it is a place where we feel totally in control.
Why do we run to the man cave? Some of us do not have the tools to do anything otherwise, some of us would rather live in a fantasy world than experience the real world, and lastly, because some of us are simply cowards.
We don't need the man cave early in a relationship. When life brings us together with someone who is perfect for us, everything is great...until little things change. Then those little things stir up our emotions, and we have to either face those emotions head on and grow our relationship, or, retreat full speed into our man cave for safety. Personally, the man cave has always been my preference.
Why do we men run to our man cave? Here's our biggest secret: the man cave is like the virtual world in the 1999 movie called The Matrix. It is a place where we always win arguments, where our spouses are like stepford wives, and where we manifest our insecurities. In this virtual world, we transpose our failures, fears, and frustrations onto those we love most, our spouses. We turn them into monsters rather than ourselves. We give them personalities that are nothing like the real person. We conjure up scenarios that fault them for our failures because we are to afraid to face them ourselves.
Yes, this all happens in a virtual world, but it happens as we gaze into our spouse's eyes. They think everything is okay, not knowing that we have conjured up this fake world and are experiencing pain and rejection in their "virtual" hands. When the question, "Honey are you ok?" comes, we respond, "Yeah, great." Never do we open that door and let our fears or past hurts out. Never do we say, "No, something is wrong. I feel..." and NEVER do we allow ourselves to feel.
The man cave is the place where we rule supreme, and there can be only one supreme ruler in the man cave. In reality, it's a haven for excuses; a place where men go to "camp" rather then to climb to the next level of a relationship, and it is a place where we feel totally in control.
Why do we run to the man cave? Some of us do not have the tools to do anything otherwise, some of us would rather live in a fantasy world than experience the real world, and lastly, because some of us are simply cowards.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Her Side: Contemplating the Man Cave
You would think after 15 years of marriage, my husband and I would be bonded together like Gorilla Glue. After all, when we barely knew each other we could finish each other's thoughts and sentences. Now with years of history, careers, kids, and a home, we are on the verge of divorce.
What happened? Over time, we both became profoundly tugged in so many diverse directions that our emotional reserves got depleted. When we should have been finding new ways to connect as a couple, the sad truth is that once we fulfilled our daily obligations, we had nothing left for each other.
My husband tells me that he just wants to be understood. Believe me, I want to understand him, but to me, he retreats to a place inside himself where I am not welcome. A male friend of mine calls this place a man cave.
I hate the man cave. From my perspective, it's a solitary place devoid of any emotional connection: a place to avoid conflict, retreat from fear, and buffer oneself from the outside world. It's a place where my husband goes to struggle with his emotions, alone.
Alternatively, I wish we could create an emotional sanctuary together, then travel there as a couple. He resents me for not knowing what is going on inside of him, but it feels impossible to know him when he is physically present but emotionally absent. I am not a mind reader.
My husband will forever own a piece of my heart, even if we divorce. I love him dearly, but my love is not strong enough to break down the walls of his mancave. Of course, the presence of the man cave is not the only reason for our maritial problems, but damnit, I just wish he would let me in.
What happened? Over time, we both became profoundly tugged in so many diverse directions that our emotional reserves got depleted. When we should have been finding new ways to connect as a couple, the sad truth is that once we fulfilled our daily obligations, we had nothing left for each other.
My husband tells me that he just wants to be understood. Believe me, I want to understand him, but to me, he retreats to a place inside himself where I am not welcome. A male friend of mine calls this place a man cave.
I hate the man cave. From my perspective, it's a solitary place devoid of any emotional connection: a place to avoid conflict, retreat from fear, and buffer oneself from the outside world. It's a place where my husband goes to struggle with his emotions, alone.
Alternatively, I wish we could create an emotional sanctuary together, then travel there as a couple. He resents me for not knowing what is going on inside of him, but it feels impossible to know him when he is physically present but emotionally absent. I am not a mind reader.
My husband will forever own a piece of my heart, even if we divorce. I love him dearly, but my love is not strong enough to break down the walls of his mancave. Of course, the presence of the man cave is not the only reason for our maritial problems, but damnit, I just wish he would let me in.
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